To die in Jerusalem

In watching the film "To die in Jerusalem" one moves through a myriad of emotional experiences. All the way to the end of the film, i was not sure who to pity more Ayat's mother whose daughter does a suicide operation, or Rachel's mother who forsakes her life in a quest for some form of retribution for the death of her daughter. I was not sure how to feel but it was only afterwards when i was synthesizing my emotions and reactions that the anger and despair came through.

There is the question of blame; to decide on who is wrong and which one is the injured party. Both mothers have lost a daughter but in my mind i was beleaguered with the question of whether one death is worse than the other, simply because Rachel was an innocent in the whole story, or whether Ayat's death is honorable simply because of the suffering she had witnessed and the suffering of the Palestinians at the hands of the Israelis. Is there justification for a suicide operation in the first place? What if it kills a teenager who had a brilliant future ahead of her like Rachel, is the suicide operation any less justified? Do the Palestinians have it right in killing Israelis because of the loss of their homeland and freedom? These and many other questions tossed around in my head without answer for indeed i could not begin to fully understand the circumstances that brought Ayat to kills herself along with Rachel or even the anguish of both their mothers at the loss of their daughters. I found i could not allocate blame, not even when Rachel's mother ignores the suffering of the Palestinians despite having visited their neighborhoods. Neither can i provide an answer when Ayat's mother asks what the Palestinians are supposed to do when everything has been taken from them including their homes.

Instead of these two women whom i see as victims of circumstance, i blame their governments and officials. With about 193 suicide operations in a period of two years mentioned in the film, i found myself angry that the governments of these peoples had failed them so much that the people have resorted to killing off each other and themselves in the process. I was angry that the Palestinians have no recourse and no representation to end their suffering and likewise Rachel's mother has no recourse at the loss of her child to a suicide operation. In effect both women are suffering as victims to a situation that their politicians are failing to solve. Where is the justice therefore and how can a suicide killer be blamed when he or she is taking action when their government has failed? What i could not forgive was that what was between Ayat and Rachel's mother was the fight of the little people whose voices cannot be heard and whose actions do not change much. In my sight the deaths of both Rachel and Ayat was a waste of life that could have been avoided if a concerted effort were made to bridge the gap between Palestinians and Israelis.

It is from this situation that i despaired for regardless of the loss of numerous lives, nothing is solved and the rift between Israelis and Palestinians can only widen with each death that occurs whether it be in a suicide operation or from the poor living conditions of the Palestinians. It is like a vicious cycle that will keep repeating itself; with another Ayat killing herself and others in a suicide operation, another Rachel's mom wanting Ayat's family home to be demolished and another cycle of suffering beginning. There seemed to be no hope of an end or even of peaceful reconciliation for even when the two women finally speak, there is no agreement and what had been a promising meeting of two suffering mothers uniting turns into a shouting match. It all made the loss of their daughters' lives worthless in my mind. Rachel's mom lost for not seeing and understanding a reality other than her own loss such as what the Palestinians go through each day while Ayat's mother lost for not seeing another way out of the Palestinian suffering other than suicide killings and a return of the land.